How the Abuser Sets the Trap

Posted On Jan 10, 2022 |

Will you walk into my parlour sad the spider to the fly. Abusers work in the same way. False kindness masking their true ugly intentions.

When I think about dating the abuser, the poem by Mary Howitt about the spider and the fly comes to mind. 

"'Will you walk into my parlour?' said the Spider to the Fly." The story tells of a cunning spider who entraps a fly into its web through the use of seduction and manipulation. The poem is a cautionary tale against those who use flattery and charm to disguise their true intentions.

I remember the first meeting with the man who tried to kill me. It was intense. He seemed to pour his heart out to me and seemed equally engaged in listening to my story. I was mesmerized.

He told me about his horrible upbringing, all of his past pains and traumas, his lousy marriage and nasty divorce. How crazy and psychotic his ex was. And I shared about my lousy relationships and how I wanted a loving committed relationship.

While he's sharing his story of anguish, he was telling me how beautiful and amazing I was and how he would never treat me like my past partners. He told me how I deserved so much better.  I walked away feeling great and couldn't wait for our next date.

The second date he began telling me how he's never met anyone like me before. "How was he so lucky?!" "He's never felt like this before about anyone!"

I was falling.....and on our next date he professed how much he loved me. He knew it was too soon but it was true. He had never felt this way before about any woman. He wanted to take care of me and the girls and give me everything I ever dreamed of.

For a young woman desperate for love, I was hooked. The spider had captured the fly and my life would take a quick, sharp turn for the worst.

I was belittled, beaten, raped, abused mentally, emotionally, and verbally. I was constantly confused and wanted my 3-date guy back. I thought it was my fault. I must have done something wrong to turn him into a monster. 

I did escape and in time, I worked on me. I learned I had inner abandonment wounds, trust issues, self esteem and confidence issues and those gaps were all the abuser needed to trap me. 

When you read my story, how many red flags do you see? These are only some of the stop signs displayed by him. And I denied, minimized and rationalized them all to my detriment!

I have and continue to do the deep personal healing work. I had to take a pause to get to know me and my "gaps". Understand my unhealthy emotional needs that were blocking my inner voice from being heard. And she was yelling at me with this one and I still went straight in and believed it was love. I spent time learning and healing abandonment, childhood trauma, knowing and loving my emotions, creating and enforcing boundaries, saying no, and living life unafraid. I've broken the cycle, have a healthily relationship, and no longer allow toxic people into my life.

Was it easy? NO. Was it worth it? YES! You're worth it too. The healing really begins when we look inside ourselves. 

I want you to discover your incredible value and realize you have the power to create a happy, healthy life for yourself. You've got this. It's time.

I have created a new program: "HEAL" and I will be sharing tons of information about it shortly. Watch this space!

Ready to explore Real Recovery After Abuse, Break the Cycle & Live Life Unafraid? Click Here and apply for a complimentary session